Scene 1 – “Indecent Proposal”

Sutherlands House, noon o’clock, a majestic day in Summer Bay

Reece: Hey Kane, what did you do to my daughter?

Kane: I fucked her man, yeah man I fucked her like the dawg that she is!

Reece: Oi! You can’t talk about Kirsty like that.  She’s a vulnerable twin who needs warmth and cup cakes.

Kane: Mr. Sutherland, you don’t understand our love.  You see, I used to be a bold boy with a really tiny mouth.  I raped your other slag child and I loved it, she was hot.  But Kirsty, she’s not like the other girls, she, she…

Reece: She what? Spit it out you slag lover!

Kane: She was the first girl to ever love me for who I truly am, little mouth or not.

Reece: Why didn’t you come to me earlier about this?

Kane: You scare me man! Your words are like salt on the icy road of my heart!

Reece: Well Kane I never knew you felt like that.  It’s only now that I see you are man enough to slurp from the furry cup of the Kirst’.  Kane, can you do me one thing?

Kane: For you, anything.

Reese: I want you to make an honest woman out of Kirsty.

Kane: Alright Dad, but on one condition.

Reece: What’s that, Son?

Kane: I want to have relations with Colleen.

Reece: Fair dinkum, we'll do her this savo!

Fade away…..


Scene 2 –“The Meeting of an Old Acquaintance”

Flynn’s office, it’s an unusually murky afternoon.

Sally: Flynn I want a baby but I’m as barren as the Kalahari Desert.

Flynn: Oh Sally how can I provide you with true happiness. I’m not a real man. I mean I feel so impotent. I may be a qualified doctor, psychologist, agony aunt, and all round general hunky guy but if I can’t provide you with the basic necessities who am I?

All of a sudden crashing through the window in a blaze of energy comes the original bad boy of Summer Bay Joey Rainbow.

Joey: Gadzookes! Even though I’m off my wick on drugs I have a plan to save your childless marriage! Ha Ha!

Sally: Joey it’s so good to see you!

Flynn: Who’s he? I must have been in Yabbee Creek while he was here.

Joey: Ha Ha! I’m going to steal one of those irritating kids who live in Pipa's old house. There's so many of those mangy flea ridden little retards in that house that no one knows if their coming or going. Ha Ha!

Sally: Yeah, I’m okay with that.

Flynn: Well sure I can give them a flea bath before we let them in the house. After all I am a qualified vet as well.

Joey: Oh, eh right. Em so I’ll go and get one of them then and, eh, I’ll be back em soon…Right. So see ya.

Joey wanders through the door.

Sally: So that’s that then, is it?

Awkward silence

Flynn: Yeah, I suppose so…

Enter Joey

Joey: Sorry guys, I forgot my gear, you know…

Exit Joey



Scene 3 – “Doggin’”

Later that day in the Summer Bay Gym, pimp daddy Reece and suspiciously homoerotic Jesse (ex-crim) pump iron whilst supervising the de-flowering of Colleen by Kane (local rapist).

Reece: Mmmmm

Jesse: Oooooooohh

Kane: Ugh ugh ugh slurp

Colleen: fgkhk dojefh mojvoi

Jesse: Errm, you guys, maybe we should take that gag out of the slag’s mouth?

Reese agus Jesse ungag Colleen

Colleen: Now listen here you young punks, you put that gag back where you found it and Kane you little bitch pump harder!

Reese and Jesse gleefully re-gag the sow

Kane: Mufk gurgle slosh. Ooooh yaaaaaaa Colleen!

Jesse: Reece would you like me to rub some of my Magic Snake Oil on your rippling bum (Question mark)

Reece: Hold on you dawg and let me finish my reps, and I’ll get back to you and your peeps.  How bout a lil something something? My mammy says I’m cool.

Jesse runs to the store room

Colleen: Eiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeee!!!!!!

Kane:  I’m coming! I’m coming!

Kane extracts his suspiciously small willy and comes all over the bitch’s face

Reece: That’s my boy!

Jesse comes back in holding a bottle and a sponge

Jesse: Ok sailors, now its time for a real workout!!!

It appears that Colleen has stopped breathing, she’s paler than usual and even more heartless and un-pulsey.

Kane: Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnooooooooooooooooooooooooo ooooooooooooooooooooooooo! We gotta get rid of this bitch!

Erstwhile from the window appears a “girl” who looks suspiciously an awful, awful lot like “Kirsty” (the twin). Who could it be? Has “she” witnessed the murderous orgy? Who cares? I don’t.



Scene 4 – “The Heist”

Back at the old Sutherland place away from all that rather mucky filth, in and around the same time but not quite the exact same time, a wild eyed junky crashes through the kitchen window.

Crash!

Joey: Gadzookes! I’m here to steal a chubby baby so as to keep the swellest couple this side o’ the Creek together and score an easy hit for the J-Man. Alriiight! Ha Ha!

Joey realising that he’s wired and theres no one actually in the fucking room so puts down his Aids infected syringes. Slowly he surveys the hundreds of family (when I say family I mean the disaffected blow-ins who arrive as trouble makers but leave with hearts o’ gold) photos searching for a baby.

Joey: Gadzookes! Why don’t they have any babies? Gadzookes! What if I can’t get my much needed hit off Flynn? He’s a doctor with loads of methadone and crystal meth. Sweet, sweet crystal meth! I can’t face Sally’s tears and those horrible withdrawal symptoms! It’ll be just like the time when Irene stole my supply and I couldn’t get high! Ha Ha!

A scurrying noise can be heard from the fridge.

Joey: Ha Ha!

Max: I’m such a hungry fat little cunt and I eat food like its love. Great Scot! Who are you? Do what you like but please don’t take any of my manwiches!

Joey: Hey kid you know if I wrapped you in swaddling clothes you could pass as a baby. You look like a fat greedy little cunt. If you do as I say I’ll give you some of my munchies and won’t stab you with my AIDS infected syringes. Whaddya say fattie fattie fat fat?

Max: Munch munch… I’ll do it mister. Say, eat eat, what’s your name?

Joey: The name’s Joey Rainbow and I like to get high.

Max: Hi, I’m Max and I love to indulge myself with Terry’s Chocolate Oranges.

Joey: Shut up fattie I don’t care! All I care about is where my next hit is coming from. And Sally. Gadzookes!

Joey grabs Max with a ferocious intent and gathers the conveniently placed swaddling clothes and baby bag (Even though the Sutherlands don’t have any infants) and leaps out the window

Joey: Ha Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaa!


Scene 5 – “The Score”

Flynn and Sally sit silently, fingering through Baby Quarterly and the Little Big Book O’Baby Names!

Crash!

Joey rather inconveniently arrives through the other window with a “baby”.

Joey: Gadzookes! I’ve found you the perfect love child pre-wrapped in Mothercare own-brand swaddling clothes who was left at my own doorstep (plot hole).  Alas, I am unable to care for ehh ‘her’ so I present this love bundle for to fill the gaping unyielding loveless meadows of your heart. Ha ha! Now give me my crack you dag! Oh, hi Sally, it’s you! Sorry, I’m ever so slightly discombobulated from my withdrawal symptoms, you know…

Flynn:  Give her here Rainbow you flaming gulaa and rack off back to the City!

Max: Munchy slurp

Joey hands over the “baby” to Sally’s ample bosom cradle and sneaks off to the bathroom medicine cabinet

Sally:  Gooo-chee-goo!! Oh isn’t she just the prettiest little….

Max: I’m no Sheila ermmm, I mean, guu guu, sucky boobs, I need milk o’ mammy whaa whaaaaa!

Sally unbuttons blouse\and Joey returns with a small suspicious looking piece of tinfoil

Flynn: Hold on just a minute Fletch’! As a bonafide medical professional of medicine and general curing of ailments my expertise and experience tells me that this is no two month old baby girl! Great Scot, why it’s that fat unloved Sutherland runt!

Sally: Get off my tits you little cunt rag!

Flynn:  Rainbow you fuck ass come back here with my meth you swine!

Joey: You snooze you loose! Gadzookes!

Joey re-energised from his bathroom hit leaps out the window, ever to be seen again? Erstwhile Flynn and Sally team up with a new found bond, a common hatred of Max, and throw the flatulent one out the window




Scene 6 – “End of the Road”

Slightly before the previous incident occurred, Jesse, Reece and Kane are found in Marylyn’s old Beetle on the road to the bush to dispose of the late great hag Colleen

Kane:  Quick quick, double time! Make haste Reece before the uniforms from the station house find us!

Reece:  Rack off! I’m going as fast as I can you little gurrier!

Jesse: Oh why didn’t we just have a boyz night in and watch The Birdcage? I knew we shouldn’t have gagged poor Colleen!

All of a sudden the handsome yet troublesome trio come around Dead Man’s Curve when a rotund blob type organism, in swaddling clothes, comes crashing through the windscreen.

Kane, Reece and Jesse: Gadzookes!

Reece loses control

Reece: Oh my God, I appear to have lost control!

The car turns over and over, eventually crashing into a tree. Reece and Kane are evidently dead due to their lack of heads.  Jesse sees that it is Max on the road lying beside him.  Both heroes are close to the grave but…

Jesse: Max! Oh no, not you! Oh Maximus!

Max: I’m dying! I’m dy……

Jesse: No! He’s gone and I never got to share my love with him! Oh the result of my one drunken night of passion with the female gender! My confidante Colleen!

Jesse holds Max’s twitching corpse in his powerful bloodied athletic arms as a torrential downpour soaks him in his trademark white vest whilst ‘The Power of Love’ by Frankie Goes to Hollywood comes to a crescendo on the radio in Marylyn’s Pussywagon.

Jesse: Max, I’m your father!

Fade to black




Le fin